Rick and Morty Meet the Lettuce Twins
by Insane Guy of DOOM
Summary: While on their seventy fourth attempt with Booker and Elizabeth, the Luteces run into an old "colleague": Rick Sanchez, and his grandson, Morty. Spoilers for BioShock Infinite and Burial at Sea. Implied Lutecest.


Here's a short drabble-type fanfic that won't get out of my mind to tide anyone who reads Robert & Rosalind are Dead over until the next chapter.

Rick and Morty Meet the Lettuce Twins

"Bird?" Robert asked.

"Or the cage?" Rosalind added.

"Or perhaps the bird?"

Before Rosalind could extol the cage's value, she was cut off by a loud, older gentleman shoving his way towards the Luteces. Based on his staggering walk and the stench of all known types of alcohol which he exuded, the twins were fairly certain this man was drunk.

"Hey… get-get out the way! I'm-I'm trying to walk here," The man slurred. He shoved Booker and Elizabeth aside and stepped up to the twins. "We-ell if isn't, uh," he paused to belch, "my-my, uh, who're you again?"

"Uh, Rick, are you sure we should be here? I dunno', this looks kind of important. What they're doing." A young boy stepped out from behind the old man.

"Shut up, Morty! I'm trying to talk-to talk, urp, tothe-the," realization dawned on Rick's face. "Oh, I know! You guys, you guys are… are…" Rick snapped his fingers. "You guys are the Lettuce twins!"

"It's pronounced 'Lutece'," Rosalind scowled.

"Yeah, yeah. Lettuce twins, this is my grandson Morty." He shoved Morty in front of the Luteces. The boy shivered and kept his eyes on the floor. "He's the uh, urrrp the, the dumbest idiot that ever lived."

"Oh, come on Rick! Why would you say something like that to your friends?" Morty cried, anger having overwhelmed his anxiety.

"Uh, because it's true. Also," He gestured to the Luteces. "They're not my friends, Morty. They're like, you know how everybody's got those colleagues who, you're, you're in the same field so you see each other all time? But, but you can't stand them, Morty? And they can't stand you? That's what-That's what we are."

"I'm glad you think of us that way," Rosalind began.

"As the feeling is completely mutual." Robert finished.

"See, see what I mean, Morty? This creepy finishing each other's sentences ****? This is what, it's what I have put up with whenever we're in the same dimensional cluster!"

"It was nice seeing you again, Mr. Sanchez," Robert began.

"Now will you please leave? We have important business to attend to," Rosalind finished while pointing to Booker and Elizabeth. They had stood several feet away, silently trying to make sense of what was happening.

"Oh, oh, I see. You're still doing your dumb 'bring us the girl and wipe away the debt' thing?" Rick poorly imitated either Rosalind or Robert's voice, his impression was so bad the twins could not decide who. "Well let me save ya' some time."

"She," Rick jabbed his finger at Booker, "is your daughter. Because, because you sold her when she was a baby but you, you don't remember that because you're an idiot." He turned to Elizabeth.

"Comstock, he's, he's you, uh Boofer, Brooklyn, whatever his name is, he's…" Rick belched at Elizabeth with enough force to blow her hair back. "Uh, where was I? Ye-yeah, he's Comstock and he bought you from himself and… and them!" He whipped around to face the twins again. "They want you, to, to drown Berry so you can become like a…a trans-dimensional psuedogod so they…urrrrp… they can pretend they're good people. Did-did I forget anything? Did I leave anything out?"

Rick scratched his chin. "Oh yeah, and one last thing, for, for you guys! The Lettuce 'twins'?" Rick made air-quotes around twins, "They're ******* each other."

"Geez Rick, this is getting pretty crazy. Anyway, aren't we supposed to be doing something?" Morty asked.

"Yeah, Morty, we're supposed to be doing something. Unlike these losers who only… ever… only ever do themselves. Zing!" Rick laughed while Booker and Elizabeth stared agape at the Luteces. The twins fumed at Rick and clenched their fists.

"It was nice ru-running into you guys. Come on Morty, let's get out here before, spoiler alert, both of them," Rick waved at Elizabeth and Booker, "die horribly." He grabbed Morty by the arm and led him into the crowd.

The Luteces and Booker and Elizabeth stared at each other. Booker coughed awkwardly.

"Well, I suppose this one's a wash. Shall we just move on the next one, brother?"

"I agree. Number seventy four never did seem very promising. We'll have better luck with seventy five."

The twins blinked out of existence, leaving Booker and Elizabeth alone on the pier. Booker looked to Elizabeth.

"What just the hell just happened?" He asked. Elizabeth shrugged.


End file.
